“Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it,
You’re addicted to love”

Robert Palmer 1986

 

To be able to give true love to another requires you to have that love within yourself first. How can you give something you don’t already have?

However, many people don’t feel that love for themselves and instead look to others to provide it from the outside. They seek the love of others and are unaware that to give it back they have to feel that love for themselves too.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” Jalal ad-Din Rumi, a Sufi mystic and poet

All relationships need constant work and attention to keep them alive and thriving, but why do we neglect them so much and take them for granted? Over time life puts its own challenges on our relationships and they can become something we neither cherish nor appreciate for what they are. There is an alarming statistic for divorce rates amongst autism parents, as any big challenge put pressure on a relationship. Those that survive have to have an element of self-love in either or both parents to keep that source of love flowing through the family.

Few people are able to grow in love until they are able to respect and accept their differences. As a person if we are not growing, we are dying, and the same goes for relationships too – if you don’t tend to them to keep them healthy, alive and growing, they too will start to die. Not noticeably at first, but over time the signs start to appear. So we need to constantly keep them alive and growing, just to prevent any decay.

We all have our own ‘rules’ for how we live our life and what makes us feel good. We have rules for everything from how the dishwasher should be loaded to what is considered honest and moral, and these rules come from our experiences of the world as we grow up. When things go according to our rules we feel good, but what happens when the dishwasher isn’t loaded in the ‘right’ way?

We also have our rules for feeling loved, cherished and appreciated but we tend to believe that our rules are the same for our loved ones too, so we treat them the way we want to be treated, and not the way they would want to be treated (according to their rules). We do this with the best intentions, as we don’t know any different.

I must admit I have a bit of an issue with the saying “treat others as you would like to be treated”. No, treat others how they like to be treated. If you don’t know take some time to find out, especially if it’s a partner.

So do you know what your loved ones rules are for feeling loved? What exactly has to happen for him/her to feel you love them unconditionally? If not, Ask.

What about your rules too? What exactly has to happen for you to feel loved? Is it a kiss every morning, flowers on a Friday, a lie in while they look after the children on a weekend, time to play golf with your mates? Think back to a time when you felt totally loved and in love – what was it that made you feel that way? Ask your partner the same thing too and see what you discover.

If we know our partners rules for feeling good, we can help them to feel good more often.

However love in a relationship starts with you. Your commitment to be the best you can be and to find and acknowledge the love within you

With love and gratitude

Nadine.