When I begin anything I have this ideal in my head that I am going to do it right, it will be perfect and I won’t make any mistakes. As I get started I get motivated by the vision I have in my mind of how I want it to be and get excited by the possibility of it all happening so perfectly.

Then real life kicks in and seems to have other plans for me.

Whether it is this blog challenge I am doing this month, baking a cake or my resolutions and goals for the year, something always happens not too far in the process that shatters the dream of perfection. But what would I learn and how would I grow if it wasn’t for mistakes?

A couple of examples from history spring to mind here. Firstly Thomas Edison said, and I quote “Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward….” This was when he was asked how it felt like to have failed 10,000 times before he found a way to get the ‘electrical lightbulb’ idea he had to work.

Michael Jordan, the famous basketball player also said about mistakes: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

What I take from these examples is that it is actually imperative that you make mistakes in order to achieve. Yes, really. If we want success in anything we have to allow ourselves to fail along the way because without failure we cannot learn, grow and create something we have never done before.

Ok I know there are examples when you might have done something first time without a mistake and it was perfect. That does happen, however I would ask on those occasions what did you have to learn from previous experiences (whether related or not) in order for you to get to that point.

How many times have you given up because you made a mistake? I know I have many times thinking that ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘It wasn’t meant to be for me’. How much do we really want something if we can be completely derailed by a challenge?

Failure has such a bad name in our society today. It literally stifles people and even stops them from starting due to their fear of failure. When did we learn that failure was a bad thing? Who told us that to fail was wrong? Maybe it has something to do with our education when we learn early on that when we fail in something it gives us a bad feeling, so our natural human instinct is to avoid failing again in order to avoid that bad feeling. I guess we need to turn failing into a good feeling and we might get somewhere.

And when does success become failure? At what point does it turn from one to the other? Take this blog for instance. If you were to spot a spelling mistake or incorrect grammar (highly likely) would I have failed?

We all have so many different ‘learned responses’ about mistakes and failure that have been hard wired into us as we’ve grown up. I just wonder how many of those beliefs still serve us today.

Another Thomas Edison quote “Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”

I am proud to say that I make mistakes, I get things wrong and I am definitely and perfectly imperfect. And that’s how I like it.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

“Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot”

For those that remember the 70’s this is from Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” first released in 1970, and has been covered many times since. I heard it yesterday on the radio and it’s been repeating in my head ever since, and this morning when I woke.

I managed to get in the garden yesterday for a time when the Sun was temporarily shining and it struck me how lucky I was to be able to spend time with people I love, doing what I love and in a place that I love. Then I reflected for a while on what it was I was dreaming of for my life and what did I always want to be, do and have. Then I realised, this is actually pretty close.

I don’t have all the things that are on the dream list and I haven’t achieved all the goals I feel passionate about either, in fact life is throwing us a few challenges right now. However by sitting back and appreciating the things I do have I found myself feeling very grateful with my lot, and that led to a huge smile for the rest of the day.

As a general rule, I think we tend to focus too easily on the things that we don’t have, or aren’t quite right in our lives instead of appreciating the things we do have and be grateful for them. As Joni Mitchell put it “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” and then it really is too late to appreciate it.

This really put into perspective the 8 years we’ve had with Tommy so far. With his autism and learning disabilities he has been assessed as having a developmental age of around 2-3. We don’t have the “they grow up so quickly don’t they” conversations and it often seems as life is on pause and we have no urgency to “make the most of it”. Yet I know he is growing older and like with other children these years do go by so quickly. So that got me thinking about really appreciating this time together.
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This quote is another favourite of mine: “One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon, instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today” Dale Carnegie

We all do it. We all have times that we wish things were different than they are, whether it’s more of this or less of that we tend to focus on what life will be like in the future, instead of living in the present and enjoying it for what it is. We say stuff to ourselves like “When I get that new car / job / house / partner I will be happy” And if we are not living in the future, we think about how much better things were in the past… “If only I could fit into those jeans I used to wear” Sounding familar?

At what point did we start doing this? What is so awful about right here and now that we don’t want to be present with it? Why are we so eager to get to a future point in time when “things will be better”?

I believe in having goals, a focus and life purpose, however enjoying the journey getting there is as important as the ‘dream’ itself.

I also know it’s hard when you have a child with autism, and ‘enjoying’ life where you are right now and appreciating the present can be a tough ask. If you really feel you are not in a good place and at rock bottom ‘in the gutter’ so to speak, then the only way you can look is UP. In any situation you find yourself in though there will be things to be grateful for if you take time to look. What 10 things can I appreciate right now? What am I taking for granted? What do I need to acknowledge and celebrate in my life?

In the book ‘The Secret’, Dr Joe Vitale says “as soon as you start to feel different about what you already have, you will start to attract more of the good things. More of the things that you can be grateful for. You could look around and say that you don’t have the car you want, the house you want or the health you want, but back up – those are things you don’t want. Focus on what you already have that you’re grateful for, and it might be the clothes you have. Yes you might prefer something else and you might get something else pretty soon, if you start feeling grateful for what you have”

For some this comes easier than for others, but only because it’s a learnt behaviour. To get into the habit of being grateful and celebrating life more I found a simple first step was to say “thank you” every morning as I woke. As I walked to the bathroom, I kept saying thank you for ‘x’, thank you for ‘y’, and while I was brushing my teeth I remembered some of the things on my gratitude list (I even had it laminated and stuck it in the shower!).

As Oprah put it “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate”

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

When I first started to connect on Facebook with other parents who have children with autism it opened my eyes to this new world. I thought as a community with a common interest we would be all coming from the same place with regards to what we were experiencing and what it was we wanted to ‘change’. It was soon apparent that was not the case and the extreme views and opinions on everything from cause to cure and all in between was quite remarkable.

I found myself reading one thing and agreeing with it, then reading an opposing view and agreeing with that too. With anything new it takes a while to centre yourself while you literally ‘process’ the information you are learning to find where you stand with it all.

There are a number of areas of debate in the autism world that divide people. Probably the most emotive is around the causes of autism, and from genetics to vaccines we all seem to have a different viewpoint. When this debate rages on the walls of Facebook from time to time the single most aired argument for any side is personal experience. So why does this argument have to go on? Surely if we can all agree that there are many causes and factors that lead to autism, we can understand that one person’s experience will form their belief and another person’s different experience will form theirs. Personally I can accept anyone’s opinion of the cause of autism in their son / daughter / family member and respect them for that belief even if it is different from the one I hold for my son’s autism. The point is that autism is symptomatic of a variety of different causes and influencing factors so no wonder there are many different experiences of it.

Another debate is around whether autism is a disability, a condition or a difference. I have read many articles and opinions around this one too and again I have to say I don’t believe there is one right answer to this either. The only one that can answer that question for themselves is that person with autism, and whether they feel they are disabled by it, view it as something they have but are not defined by it, or know that they are just different as a result of it. It is a spectrum which therefore implies that autism can be all of them.

This also links in with the question of a ‘cure’ too. I completely understand the view of friends with autism that the topic of finding a cure makes them feel as if they are deemed worthless. I also believe in any treatment or therapy that can help Tommy live a more pain-free life and is something I would (and do) consider. This debate on ‘curing’ autism often comes from differing views about what autism is, and whether the more medical conditions that are associated with autism are included in the description of the autism they are talking about.

I really find it helpful when talking about autism to make the distinction between the autism and the other associated conditions that can confuse the definition. Tommy has a learning disability, a sensory processing disorder and gastrointestinal problems too and I very often just lump this all under the label of autism, when in fact it would be more helpful if referred to them separately. That way I can say that yes we are working to cure his gut issues, however his personality which is influenced by his autism is just who he is and we love him for it.

Autism is a hugely complex area for debate and discussion in many areas and I’m only slightly touching on just a few topics here.

I’m always up for a ‘grown up’ chat about anything to do with autism though, so please let me know what you think.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

Sunday morning and Tommy has had me up since 5am again and as usual he is full of energy and bouncing around the place. Those quiet lazy Sunday mornings are a distant memory. As for a lie-in, well I don’t even recall one of those at our new home and we’ve been here over a year now.

Oh dear looks like my grumpy gremlin has surfaced again. Better find some motivation and get on with another potentially great day and see if I can’t at least put grumpy away.

You know living and loving your life doesn’t mean skipping around all the time with boundless enthusiasm and being smiley. I absolutely know and understand that some days are bouncy, some are less exciting and some are a little flat and even quite depressing at times. But I’m ok with that and each mood puts others into perspective. I can still live and love my life even when I’m not in the best of places, and I always know I have a choice over how I am feeling. Sometimes grumpy is what’s needed to move me to a better place.

I believe one of our life purposes is our own personal growth to be the best version of ourselves we can be. I have invested in my own personal development over a couple of decades now to know that being motivated is not all about prancing around to some exercise routine in front of the TV each morning (those of a certain age in the UK will remember Mr Motivator and Mad Lizzie). Although physical movement does help you to feel amazing and can set you up for a great day, as soon as someone presses your grumpy buttons you can begin to fall flat again.

Motivation: Motive for action / movement (motion) 

When we are motivated we are somewhere on the continuum of moving away from something we don’t want (fear based) through to moving towards something we do want (desire based).

When I initially learnt about this I was given the example of our ancestors in prehistoric cave man days. They quickly learnt to move away from or avoid fearful situations like meeting tigers or bears. They also learnt they wanted to move toward more desiring experiences like mating.

Think of it as a line and on the far left is fear and on the far right is desire. When we want or need to take action we are somewhere on this line and motivated to move. In any situation we can be at any point on the line and if it’s too far to the left we are motivated to do something as we are too close to fear and our basic instinct is to get away. We take action and often then stop when we feel at a comfortable distance again. At other times we find ourselves more to the right and motivated to reach a goal or desire.

Motivation is about movement (or motion) by taking action to make a change. 

Today however I am neither fearful of anything or desire anything too different. I’m just aware I want to feel a little less grumpy and get some energy to get out of the house (as going back to bed isn’t an option). I’m somewhere in the middle of the line and that’s often a harder place to be to actually move from. By definition the middle of the line is the furthest place from either end and therefore further away from either type of motivation.

When you live in that middle place nothing much gets done. I think that we are individually wired to preference one type of motivation over the other, and if your preference (whether you are consciously aware or not) to get you moving and doing something is more fear based, then you probably find yourself attracted to (fear) situations that require you to ‘move away’ more often. You’ll then have a ‘safe’ setting which is the place you feel comfortable at which is far enough away from fear, but it also removes your motive to keep moving, so you get stuck there until the next time you find yourself near fear.

If your preference is more desire based then you are more likely to keep moving and taking action until your goal is reached. Similarly you will find yourself attracted to situations that ignite that desire in you to want something and get motivated to achieve it.

What gets you up and moving? Just notice next time you are motivated to take action which type it is.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

In order to be the most effective in helping others you need to put yourself at the top of your priority list. You have to prioritise your needs before your children, your partner, your family and anyone or anything else.

I can feel the discomfort most of you are having with that statement from here. It’s not what we’ve been told and it’s certainly not what we feel comfortable doing.

When you take care of yourself first you are better able to help others. When you get on a plane and before it takes off you get the safety drill and you are always told that if the oxygen masks are needed that you must put yours on first before helping anyone else. Why is that? Simply because you can’t help someone else put their mask on if you don’t have yours on first.

Putting yourself first does not mean the same thing as thinking you are more important than others. That’s ego driven thinking and not what we are talking about here. Putting yourself first simply means taking care of your own needs, your health, your emotions and your daily requirements first so you are better placed to serve others and can do so more effectively.

But what if we don’t? When we go around putting others as a priority we end up burning out. Not quickly, as it’s a slow process that creeps up on us and before we know it we are worn out, lacking energy and enthusiasm amongst other things. Our basic needs are only just being met but that’s it. As it’s a slow process we hardly notice it at first but when we do we wonder how it got like this? As this carries on our ability to help others weakens too.

I have to openly admit right here that this has been a real challenge for me. However I am so much better at it now than I was in the past. I had always believed that to help and serve others that I had to put their needs before mine. I have learnt the hard way that just simply doesn’t work in the long run.

The real challenge though is not about scheduling your week so you get some ‘me time’ or finding the resources to get your hair cut more often or splashing out on a really lovely bath oil. Those are important and I would say a great start. The real issue is what’s going on in your mind right now as you even contemplate being a priority in your own life.

Your conscious mind is probably thinking about all the things that putting yourself first means and whether you have the time, the money, or the opportunities to do anything about it. You may be thinking that it’s fine in theory but how could it possibly work in practice. You are coming up with all sorts of reasons why it wouldn’t work for you and the life, work and family that you have. That’s fine. It’s pretty reasonable to expect that when we have been training our mind to put others first all this time that the thought of changing that will be uncomfortable and automatically thoughts appear to take us back to our comfort zone.

But underlying that in your subconscious mind something is going on at a deeper level. The whole issue of your self worth is being challenged and there is a part of you that is saying “who am I to think I am better than anyone else?”, and ”I don’t deserve to be a priority” and also “my children / family / partner / friends need me”. Self-esteem is at the root of our ability to put ourselves first.

Our childhood, life experiences, education and general journey so far has literally installed in us our self-worth programming to automatically make us think and behave in a way that supports those values we hold about ourselves. A lot of this will be society driven and much from our parents too and it’s sad to see how much of society’s thinking as a whole these days is geared towards self-loathing rather than self-worth (how else can they sell stuff to help us with these low-worth feelings if not by promising to make us feel better about ourselves if we buy their things?).

Ask yourself this. What do you want your children to understand about their self-worth? Do you want them to put themselves first to they can have a decent respect for themselves, be able to love who they are and be able to serve others better too? Or do you want them to always be putting others as a priority? And what are they learning to do from watching and observing you?

If you want to help others you really must help yourself first. Small steps at a time. What can you do today for you?

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

It seems it is a dying skill amongst most of society today. Just as many are no longer able to put a meal together for the family without a microwavable box of processed food, the art of intuition as well as cooking has escaped us without us realising until we find it’s no longer there.

What happened before we could communicate so freely with each other with mobiles, email, Facebook at the like?

If you take it back to the beginnings of human existence when language was not even used, intuition was the very key to understanding and communicating. Language then became a convenience tool reducing the need for so much intuition, and then fast forward to now and with texts, posts and tweets we really don’t remember ever having to use our intuition to understand what’s going on for someone else. We simply rely on our own interpretation of another’s communication based on our ‘map of the world’ and intuition doesn’t come into it – it seems there is no role for it anymore.

Unless of course you have a child with autism who doesn’t communicate with language in any form; spoken, written or picture representations. This is when the art and skill of intuition has to be re-learnt as it’s often the only way to understand what is happening in their world.

My own intuitive skills are increasing daily with necessity through practical experience of just feeling what’s going on, listening to thought ‘downloads’ and generally just trusting that I am getting the messages I need.

I have often wondered upon the bigger reason for the exponential rise in autism today and believe there is a bigger outcome at play. Whatever the reasons, helping us to get back to the human skills we have lost such as Intuition and growing & cooking proper food could be part of it. (I’ll cover food and nutrition in another blog).

I have always believed in the ability to be telepathic. Always have done since a child watching programmes like Dr Who, and when mobiles came out I believed this was a step towards ‘fake’ telepathy – I envisioned having small mobile type chips in our ears that would pick up mobile calls and also translate thought patterns into outward mobile communication.

Does true telepathy exist and is it related in some way to our need to revive the skill of intuition. I have had some experience of this with Tommy – or was it just ‘loud’ intuition?

When Tommy is in meltdown mode thrashing his head against the walls in pure trance at times the only thing I can do is go against my usual auto response of panic and action, and instead go into a deeper state of calm to try and connect with him at a more basic energetic level. And that’s where I have to rely on my intuition because that is all I have.

He cannot tell me what is wrong – definitely not during and not after either. He cannot show me or point to any pain. All I can do is believe in my ability to intuitively know what us bothering him and help him with no feedback mechanism either to show me if I am on the right path or not.

Whatever the bigger plan, Tommy is certainly here to improve my communication and intuitive skills that’s for sure.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

Do you have a story? I will take a guess and say that you do.

A story of your life that people get to know after meeting you. It’s the story we tell people about ourselves and our life, what’s happened to us and why we live the way we do right now. What our values and passions are and what we desire.

There are many things we could talk about when telling others about ourselves. Take a moment to think right now that if I was to ask you about you, what would you instinctively tell me?

Without us realising it, this story defines us. Now when I say ‘story’ I don’t mean the fairy tale made up kind, I simply mean the story of our life. Is it a tale of woe, a tale of eventful happenings, an inspiration to others perhaps or does it have it all?

The story we repeat to others when they ask (or not) and the story that continues to play out in our mind is defining who we are and the simple act of focussing on it puts it on a continuous repeat pattern, and this is influencing our future more than you may know.

The reason I chose to blog about this today is because it is the day of the funeral of Margaret Thatcher and over the past week or so since her death I have been hearing people’s stories over and over about what she ‘did to them’.

I am not getting political here or making any comments about her policies, I am pointing out that all I am hearing is people’s stories of what they believe she ‘did to’ them. Yes she made a lot of decisions that had a huge influence over our lives, however what we choose to make of what life throws at us is our responsibility entirely. It seems however that many in our society would prefer to put the blame for their story, even today, onto someone else.

I realise I am going into delicate territory here, but please hear me out as I believe it will help you understand something about your life.

We either choose to take responsibility for our life and what has happened so far, or we can blame others and justify why we are where we are. Which is the most empowering for you do you think? Which puts you in control of your life to make it what you desire and which puts you at the mercy of your past?

All the anger and blame I am hearing on the radio and on TV is not empowering those people to move on. Instead they are choosing to be trapped by their beliefs that they have no power over their situation now. I do understand how others decisions and actions can have a huge impact on someone’s life and if in a negative way that anger can last a long time. However I feel it has got to the point of becoming such a story now of blame that they are trapped by it and cannot see how by accepting what is, taking responsibility for life as it is now, they can actually move on and start another chapter.

The law of attraction states clearly that we get what we focus on the most. What we think about the most we will attract more of into our lives. If we are thinking hatred and blame we will see all the opportunities to get more of that low energy stuff and life becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy. If we chose to be thankful for our story and appreciate it for getting us here, and take responsibility for who we are, what decisions we have made in our lives regardless of what the circumstances and challenges have been, we set ourselves free.

At any point we can ‘let go’ and choose a future that is not based on our past and isn’t just another repeat of the same story we perpetuate by keeping it alive in our minds and when we tell others about ourselves.

Mother Theresa once famously said that she would never attend a war rally. She was against war but fully understood that by rallying against it she would give more focus and energy into something she didn’t agree with or want. Instead she said if you ask me to attend a peace rally then I will be there. She understood that what you focus on the most you attract into your future, and that works on an individual level and as a society too.

I feel that philosophy could set a lot of people free from their own wars and battles they have with others and with their own life. All the negative energy from people that has been pouring out over the past few weeks can only serve to perpetuate more anger, hatred and negative circumstances into these people’s lives. I understand they feel hurt. But if they took responsibility for their life as it is today and empower themselves to make it better, they could have a very different future than the one being written for them in their minds right now. Justifying it and blaming it on Margaret Thatcher does not help and it does not serve anyone anymore. It’s like taking poison and expecting someone else to be ill.

So, tell me about yourself?

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

I hear all the time from people that there are things that can never be forgiven. If someone has wronged you in some way, are you the type that easily forgives or never does?

I believe there is some confusion with forgiveness and with condoning the actions of another. They are not the same, yet are often never separated which makes it near impossible for someone to forgive if they believe that it also means agreeing or condoning what was done.

It is impossible to love yourself if you refuse to forgive, because you continue to carry around with you in your mind the actions of another person that you are not in harmony with. The very essence of not forgiving is resentment which in turn creates tension and dis-ease in your body and a barrier for love – from yourself and others.

What if forgiveness was just about release and not about another person’s actions? By separating this out we can allow ourselves to let go and be free of the harmful tension in our bodies that could develop into a serious ill-health issue if we continue to feed it.

What if forgiveness was allowing ourselves to be exonerated from any blame or guilt for those actions.

However people fight to cling on to their right not to forgive not knowing that it is only themselves they harm – the person that is not being forgiven rarely cares.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

Feeling rather overwhelmed today and a bit stuck in a low feeling of helplessness.

That does happen from time to time and I know it doesn’t usually last long these days. There was a time it lasted for days and weeks, now it’s just a few hours and by lunchtime all will be ok with the world.

Instead of fighting against it (as I know that fighting anything just gives the thing you don’t want more energy) I am just going with the flow and letting it be. It will soon flow out if my life as quickly as it flowed in. Surrendering to ‘what is’ can be a powerful tool to help it go on its merry way. ‘Surrender’ has been given such a bad image that we think it’s a sign of weakness yet it can be quite the opposite.

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed as I am thinking of what there is to do, and the list is long. As I look around I can see piles of washing to be put away and piles to be washed. Dishes that need loading into the dishwasher but it’s full and needs emptying. I know I need to get my blog done this morning, a presentation finalised and sent off, a number of phone calls to make and that’s just for this morning.

I know I am not alone in this and probably every parent has experienced this feeling of overwhelm when there is so much to do in your head and you just want to get on with it. Then comes along your child wanting your attention too and of course you give it. With our special children there is also that added dimension of having to have that extra bit of patience and take the time to really focus on them to understand what they are communicating and what they need.

Overwhelm comes from a place where there is too much variety in our life at any one time. A typical example is when there is too much choice and we have to make one. The opposite is when there is certainty in our life, when we know exactly what to expect, the routine is the same and there is little risk of things changing the status quo.

Life usually happens between the two extremes of ‘certainty’ and ‘variety’ and this is something I learnt from the great Tony Robbins as being two of the six basic human needs we all have. The need for certainty on the one hand can be when we know we have a roof over our heads, somewhere to sleep, food to eat, money in our bank account, and for some of our children this extends to knowing that what we are doing today won’t change from our usual routine or our expectations.

On the other hand we also have a need for variety and some spontaneity in our life, a need to change something, refresh our energies and get us motivated. This is often where our children struggle and need help and support to make the transition when a change is necessary.

The extreme end of certainty leads to boredom, and the extreme end of variety leads to overwhelm. We all have a preference where we feel comfortable being on this line between the two and during each day we can move to either side of that spot. We can move either towards more certainty (for example when we are at risk of losing some income we do what we need to get some certainty back around money) or we move towards variety (for example when we are bored or when we take risks to reach a goal we desire).

Our children have these same basic human needs and are more comfortable towards the certainty end of that scale which is generally different from the majority who settle somewhere in the middle. There are also people that live on the other end too where they just can’t seem to settle in any relationship, job or home as they thrive on the need for change. Wherever we feel comfortable on this scale is neither right or wrong, it’s just our personal disposition.

Anyway, coming back to my feelings of overwhelm this morning just allows me to get a little experience of what it can be like for our children who live with this overwhelm more of the time. I can feel the frustration and being very uncomfortable with all the thoughts of change and things piling up to deal with in my head. Yet I thank it for giving me the insight and for helping me to find the strategies to take me back to where I feel more balanced.

There, I feel better already.

With love and gratitude

Nadine.

“Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it,
You’re addicted to love”

Robert Palmer 1986

To be able to give true love to another requires you to have that love within yourself first. How can you give something you don’t already have?

However, many people don’t feel that love for themselves and instead look to others to provide it from the outside. They seek the love of others and are unaware that to give it back they have to feel that love for themselves too.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” Jalal ad-Din Rumi, a Sufi mystic and poet

All relationships need constant work and attention to keep them alive and thriving, but why do we neglect them so much and take them for granted? Over time life puts its own challenges on our relationships and they can become something we neither cherish nor appreciate for what they are. There is an alarming statistic for divorce rates amongst autism parents, as any big challenge put pressure on a relationship. Those that survive have to have an element of self-love in either or both parents to keep that source of love flowing through the family.

Few people are able to grow in love until they are able to respect and accept their differences. As a person if we are not growing, we are dying, and the same goes for relationships too – if you don’t tend to them to keep them healthy, alive and growing, they too will start to die. Not noticeably at first, but over time the signs start to appear. So we need to constantly keep them alive and growing, just to prevent any decay.

We all have our own ‘rules’ for how we live our life and what makes us feel good. We have rules for everything from how the dishwasher should be loaded to what is considered honest and moral, and these rules come from our experiences of the world as we grow up. When things go according to our rules we feel good, but what happens when the dishwasher isn’t loaded in the ‘right’ way?

We also have our rules for feeling loved, cherished and appreciated but we tend to believe that our rules are the same for our loved ones too, so we treat them the way we want to be treated, and not the way they would want to be treated (according to their rules). We do this with the best intentions, as we don’t know any different.

I must admit I have a bit of an issue with the saying “treat others as you would like to be treated”. No, treat others how they like to be treated. If you don’t know take some time to find out, especially if it’s a partner.

So do you know what your loved ones rules are for feeling loved? What exactly has to happen for him/her to feel you love them unconditionally? If not, Ask.

What about your rules too? What exactly has to happen for you to feel loved? Is it a kiss every morning, flowers on a Friday, a lie in while they look after the children on a weekend, time to play golf with your mates? Think back to a time when you felt totally loved and in love – what was it that made you feel that way? Ask your partner the same thing too and see what you discover.

If we know our partners rules for feeling good, we can help them to feel good more often.

However love in a relationship starts with you. Your commitment to be the best you can be and to find and acknowledge the love within you

With love and gratitude

Nadine.