In order to be the most effective in helping others you need to put yourself at the top of your priority list. You have to prioritise your needs before your children, your partner, your family and anyone or anything else.

I can feel the discomfort most of you are having with that statement from here. It’s not what we’ve been told and it’s certainly not what we feel comfortable doing.

When you take care of yourself first you are better able to help others. When you get on a plane and before it takes off you get the safety drill and you are always told that if the oxygen masks are needed that you must put yours on first before helping anyone else. Why is that? Simply because you can’t help someone else put their mask on if you don’t have yours on first.

Putting yourself first does not mean the same thing as thinking you are more important than others. That’s ego driven thinking and not what we are talking about here. Putting yourself first simply means taking care of your own needs, your health, your emotions and your daily requirements first so you are better placed to serve others and can do so more effectively.

But what if we don’t? When we go around putting others as a priority we end up burning out. Not quickly, as it’s a slow process that creeps up on us and before we know it we are worn out, lacking energy and enthusiasm amongst other things. Our basic needs are only just being met but that’s it. As it’s a slow process we hardly notice it at first but when we do we wonder how it got like this? As this carries on our ability to help others weakens too.

I have to openly admit right here that this has been a real challenge for me. However I am so much better at it now than I was in the past. I had always believed that to help and serve others that I had to put their needs before mine. I have learnt the hard way that just simply doesn’t work in the long run.

The real challenge though is not about scheduling your week so you get some ‘me time’ or finding the resources to get your hair cut more often or splashing out on a really lovely bath oil. Those are important and I would say a great start. The real issue is what’s going on in your mind right now as you even contemplate being a priority in your own life.

Your conscious mind is probably thinking about all the things that putting yourself first means and whether you have the time, the money, or the opportunities to do anything about it. You may be thinking that it’s fine in theory but how could it possibly work in practice. You are coming up with all sorts of reasons why it wouldn’t work for you and the life, work and family that you have. That’s fine. It’s pretty reasonable to expect that when we have been training our mind to put others first all this time that the thought of changing that will be uncomfortable and automatically thoughts appear to take us back to our comfort zone.

But underlying that in your subconscious mind something is going on at a deeper level. The whole issue of your self worth is being challenged and there is a part of you that is saying “who am I to think I am better than anyone else?”, and ”I don’t deserve to be a priority” and also “my children / family / partner / friends need me”. Self-esteem is at the root of our ability to put ourselves first.

Our childhood, life experiences, education and general journey so far has literally installed in us our self-worth programming to automatically make us think and behave in a way that supports those values we hold about ourselves. A lot of this will be society driven and much from our parents too and it’s sad to see how much of society’s thinking as a whole these days is geared towards self-loathing rather than self-worth (how else can they sell stuff to help us with these low-worth feelings if not by promising to make us feel better about ourselves if we buy their things?).

Ask yourself this. What do you want your children to understand about their self-worth? Do you want them to put themselves first to they can have a decent respect for themselves, be able to love who they are and be able to serve others better too? Or do you want them to always be putting others as a priority? And what are they learning to do from watching and observing you?

If you want to help others you really must help yourself first. Small steps at a time. What can you do today for you?

With love and gratitude

Nadine.